Fatty Fat and the Wii Fit

Here I sit, eating meat on a stick* and watching a show about the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders. One girl just got told she is too fat at 130-something pounds. If I weighed below 150, I would be elated! Today the scale momentarily flicked up to 200--a number I haven't seen since the end of college, when I was at my heaviest, around 205. I am disgusted with myself, of course. I've always been chubbier than my peers (though never the fattest kid in school), but I never set out to become such a heifer. Since meeting Jason in 2005, the weight has just snuck up on me.

This must, must, must change. If not for my vanity, then for my health. I've talked with my doctor about needing to lose some weight--I have high cholesterol; I take medication for it. She says it is genetic, not from my diet--she knows I'm vegan most of the time, and plant foods don't have any cholesterol. It's aggravated, of course, by the excess weight.

One way I'm going to combat all this flubber is with the Wii Fit Jason got me for my birthday. We hooked it up the other day. One of the things you have to do to set it up is to put in your height and real age, then it weighs you and makes you take a bizarre balance test in which you shift your weight back and forth ever so slightly while standing on the balance board--all this predicts your "Wii Fit age." I somehow missed the memo on what I was meant to do, and did so badly on the balance test that the Wii narrator person said something to the effect of "your balance is so bad that you probably have trouble walking without falling over." When it did my BMI, it ticked up and up and up the meter until it reached the red zone--"obese"--and then it announced, in a child-like, sing-songy voice, "ooobese!"

Yes, really. Because those physical fitness tests in elementary school where I couldn't do a single pull-up and had to just HANG there in front of my whole class were not humiliating enough, I get to have a machine with an eight-year-old's voice telling me I am "ooobese!" in front of my husband. It nearly gave me flashbacks of all that damn HANGING while boys with rat tails laughed at me in the background (it was the late eighties and early nineties, after all--lots of bad hair choices then).

It said my "Wii Fit age" was 37. Thirty-freaking-seven! I was so mad after that shit that I refused to do any more. I made Jason take the balance test while I pouted. He, of course, did fine; he apparently can walk about without falling over. And his "Wii Fit age" was 26. Mother effer.

Because I don't want to be a quitter, and I do need to get in shape, I am not giving up on the Wii Fit. I could just do without the "ooobese!" chirping--I KNOW I'm OBESE, already!

I retook the "Wii fit age" test tonight, and I scored a much more respectable "age"--24 (I'm 26). See? I do have good balance! I did, however, gain two pounds for no apparent reason. The Wii Fit said it's likely a day-to-day fluctuation, so I'm going to choose to believe that.

Ugh. Back to the balance board. I do need to work off my "fluctuation," after all.

* Have faith, Internet. Of course it's fake--it's Yves skewers.