Wednesday, February 25, 2009

We don't need expanded veterans' health benefits, we need cat health benefits.

Jasper had another day at the vet today to see how he's doing on his new insulin. We're going to raise his dosage slightly, but the good news is that he does not have a pituitary tumor or growth hormone imbalance like we previously suspected. I was so happy to hear it that I handed over another $195 without a second thought. That brings Jasper's vet bills to $1500 this year alone. We have our fingers crossed that this kind of insulin works out so that we can start saving for his college tuition.

I'm kidding.

Moving on. I didn't catch all of last night's presidential address, but I did tune in just in time for this part:

"As we meet here tonight, our men and women in uniform stand watch abroad and more are readying to deploy. To each and every one of them, and to the families who bear the quiet burden of their absence, Americans are united in sending one message: We honor your service, we are inspired by your sacrifice and you have our unyielding support. To relieve the strain on our forces, my budget increases the number of our soldiers and Marines. And to keep our sacred trust with those who serve, we will raise their pay and give our veterans the expanded health care and benefits that they have earned."
I hope so, Mr. Obama. My family's future depends on it. That gorgeous man up there has sixteen more years to go before he's eligible to retire from the Navy (he'll only be 43 years old).

Did anyone else who watched it totally dig Hillary Clinton's hot pink jacket? I heart her.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009


I have a confession to make: I am not a virgin. I know, I know: you're in shock right now. YOU'LL GET OVER IT.

That said, I have needs. Needs that are so NOT getting met right now given that my need-meeter is IN ANOTHER TIME ZONE. If anyone else is a military spouse or has ever been in a long-distance relationship, I know you feel my, uh, pain.

The shop doesn't close down when the best customer goes out of town. Or, you know, the ONLY customer (what with monogamy and all that). The shopkeeper just has to keep the business running until that customer is in town again.

Needless to say, we've both been feeling that itch that only one's spouse can scratch (or else face expensive divorce lawyer fees).

On Valentine's Day, I decided to keep things interesting. I put on my pinkest, laciest, most uncomfortable bra (that I never actually get to wear because the lace itches and shows through everything) and had myself a little sexy time photo shoot (recreated here with Lola and Jasper).

Except that it wasn't sexy at all because I had to use my cell phone camera. Normally I would have used my regular camera, but I couldn't e-mail my pictures to their intended recipient because I didn't want to get him in trouble for looking at titties in the Navy computer lab. The only way I could convey my lacy chesticles to their ogler-in-chief was via tiny, grainy cell phone pictures. And have you ever tried to do a sexy pose while holding your arm out as far away from your body as you can (to get everything in the shot) while simultaneously trying to use it for a little lift (because only the fake ones look... like that) AND praying that you're not pressing the wrong button and tit-texting your father in law? Try it sometime. Trust me--NOT SEXY. AT ALL.

I did succeed in getting a decent picture, despite my winter albino skin tone. Oh wait, I look that way year-round, remember? So off my boobs went into Verizon-land, emerging on the other side to be greeted by a very happy husband. A very happy husband who sent me only a picture of his head in return. And what am I supposed to do with THAT, I ask you?

... It was a picture of his FACE, people--that thing on top of his neck. Not that other head. Get your brains out of the gutter. (For those of you still in the gutter, I know exactly what I would have done had he sent that other picture.)

So apparently my husband did not get the tit for tat dirty text message memo. And yes, I realize how oddly appropriate the phrase tit for tat is right there.

After he realized that the pictures will keep dropping into his phone if he reciprocates, I realized that there are very few sexy ways to take pictures of oneself given the aforementioned constraints. In fact, I'm quickly running out of acceptable, not-too-fat-looking pictures to send. Let's hope he gets orders soon so we can play this game in person. Otherwise I'll have to keep sending him the same booby pic over and over and over.

Monday, February 23, 2009

Keyword Roundup, Volume 8

These are the words and phrases that people have searched for to get to my blog, and the entries they found. All spelling and grammar errors have been left intact.

Special thanks to Cary of List of The Day for making me his "Friend of LOTD of the Day" and directing you fine people to my self-titled slice of the Interwebs.* (Don't worry, I'm no Miss Cleo. My Statcounter tells me that List of the Day is from whence you all came.) Now go forth and search for weird things. You might just make some little blogger's day by clicking through to his/her blog, you nasty perverts.

sorted mature tube - main page.

feetfair tube - Keyword Roundup, Volume 5.

Renée mature feet - Keyword Roundup, Volume 4.

Renée feet - main page. What is it with you people and tubes and feet?

SC Johnson or S.C. Johnson or Johnson Wax - Keyword Roundup, Volume 7.

chicken and rice soup from scratch and chicken and rice soup from scractch - Soup from scratch: "chicken" and rice. - main page.

Glinda the Good Witch crown - Keyword Roundup, Volume 3.

vestito carnevale Heidi - main page.

mature.blogspot, mature blogspot, matureblogspot, Renée mature, and mature - twelve visitors from Egypt, France, Germany, the Netherlands, Norway, and Saudi Arabia read Keyword Roundup, Volume 4, Keyword Roundup, Volume 5, Keyword Roundup, Volume 6, and the main page.

Renée costumes - Old-school Halloween costume time.

rent pascal, water help to loss weight, vacuum cleaner blogspot, 100 things challenge - 100 posts, 100 things.

Thai food diarrhea and looks like diarrhea - Sometimes my cooking looks like baby diarrhea but I promise it is far more delicious.

golf and hearts - Golf and Hearts. Direct hit! Direct hit! I'm the second result for this phrase.

the next Dropkick Murphys concert in Scotland - Anniversary fun: Maine mini-moon and Dropkick Murphys concert.

is there dairy in McDonalds shakes - Vegan Shamrock Shakes. Yes, there is. Blech.

back to big boobs alert mainpage - Keyword Roundup, Volume 4. This is boob central, Istanbul.

desperate to pee - Keyword Roundup, Volume 7. The person in Serbia who googled this stuck around for two minutes and 33 seconds. Interesting.

my wedding bladder bursting pee - main page. I hope you got your Spanx off in time, Québec.

bigboops blogspot - main page. Boops, huh, Indonesia?

Heidi Renée and Ms Renée - main page. That's me!

morning is here sunshine - Good morning sunshine! Here is my breakfast.

how not to be a loney wife - Just another lonely wife post.

shamrock shakes vegan - Vegan Shamrock Shakes

* Brought to you by Al Gore.

Thursday, February 19, 2009

I'm going to start calling him Andre the Giant.

My big kitty, he is expensive. In the past two weeks, I have spent $936.70 on Jasper's vet bills. This includes blood tests for a suspected growth hormone abnormality (it would explain his size--he's the Andre the Giant of cats), a day at the vet to start a new kind of insulin (which, miracle of miracles, seems to be working), the insulin itself (and new syringes to measure it properly, because the old ones wouldn't do), a full blood glucose curve (because I can't seem to do it myself), and a urine culture (I can't remember for the life of me what that was for).

I'm taking him back next week for another all-day glucose curve and to get the results of his blood tests.

I know. It's a lot of money. But I love this cat and I would rather spend money on him than on myself. I guess it runs in my family.

The good news is that I think we may be in luck this time. Prior to starting insulin therapy, his blood sugar was measuring in the 400s--dangerously high. On the first kind of insulin we tried, it hovered in the high 300s--still too high. Eight hours after his first injection of the new insulin, he was reading at 211--much better. I was so shocked I had to have the vet repeat herself. This could be our answer!

His food allergy wounds are healing nicely, too. The only thing that isn't nice is that our pet insurance company is refusing to cover anything and also denying coverage for future illnesses because he is diabetic. Of course, they never bothered to tell us this until now, even though he was officially diagnosed in November. So if my cat gets cancer, which is obviously not a side effect of diabetes, they won't cover treatment. Bullshit! I have been trying to call them to get an explanation of this idiocy from a real human being, but they apparently don't believe in customer service.

That frustration aside, he's worth every cent:

Sunday, February 15, 2009

V-Day treats

Jason has been gone for almost two weeks. Even though I didn't have anyone but myself to ply with Valentine's Day treats, last night I made a veganized version of the heart cookies my mom always made when I was growing up.

I figure I have bags of flour and sugar that I have to use up before the big move, and what better way to do that than to bake it into something delicious?

The only problem was that for some reason I don't have a heart-shaped cookie cutter--so I had to use a star-shaped one. Oh well. They taste the same.*

I was in the mood for cooking yesterday, so I made myself a batch of black bean and corn tofu scramble for breakfast. Today I reheated a bowl of that, and capped it off with a vanilla latté... and cookies. Yuuuummm... Hey, at least I had some real breakfast before I started stuffing my face with cookies, right?

Martha Dixon Cut Out Cookies - Veganized
(Martha Dixon had one of the first cooking shows on WJIM Channel 6 TV in Lansing, Michigan--my family members use a lot of her recipes. She was a dietitian at the Homestead Hotel Resort on Lake Michigan and later served as food service supervisor at the Kellogg Center at Michigan State University. [source])

1 cup vegetable shortening (you can also use vegan margarine--we use a combination)
1 cup confectioner's sugar
1 tsp. vanilla
1 Tbsp. soy milk
2 1/2 cups flour (reserve some for rolling out dough)
1 tsp. almond extract (or just use 2 tsp. vanilla extract)
dash salt

Mix by hand, roll dough out on floured pastry cloth or mat and cut with cookie cutter. Place on greased cookie sheet or use a silicone baking mat. Bake in 325 degree oven for 14-18 minutes depending on thickness.

Vegan Frosting

1/2 cup vegan margarine
1/2 cup vegetable shortening
4 cups confectioner's sugar
1 1/2 tsp. vanilla
1 Tbsp. vanilla soy milk (or plain--whatever you have)
red food coloring for pink frosting (or whatever color you like)

Using a hand mixer, cream the vegan margarine. Add the shortening and continue to mix. Add the remaining ingredients and mix until thoroughly combined. The frosting should be stiff. Spread onto cooled cookies with a knife.

* If you close your eyes. And thirteen orders of fries. Is that it here? Wine and beer!**
** Sorry. I couldn't help myself.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Keyword Roundup, Volume 7

Here are the most recent search terms people have used to get here and the entries those terms yielded, plus my comments:

mature blogspot, matureblogspot, French mature blogspot, French mature, frenchmature.blogspot,, Renée mature, mature/Renée, and - Keyword Roundup, Volume 5, Keyword Roundup, Volume 6, January 2009 archive, and main page. Seventeen visitors from Finland, France, Germany, Hungary, India, Italy, Romania, Spain, Turkey, the United Arab Emirates, and the United Kingdom. *Sigh* I will never escape from these search terms. Now that I've actually posted those words, it'll be a perpetual cycle of people clicking through to here and being disappointed with what they've found.

Renée desperate to pee - Keyword Roundup, Volume 6. Same old pee fetish pervert in Eastpointe, Michigan. Let's all take a moment to point and laugh... OK, done. - main page. Someone at S.C. Johnson & Son in Milwaukee needs to review the company policy on personal Internet use at work. This blog is the sixth result for that search term. My mother must be so proud.

low cost fill manicure Framingham - April 2008 archive page. The person who searched for this was in Virginia... I don't think you need to come all the way to Massachusetts to get your nails done, honey. and wifepost - Just another lonely wife post. For when you need to buy one of those Ukrainian girls off the Internet, you visitors from Little Rock, Staten Island, Georgia, and Oklahoma City. I'm the fourth result for and sixth for wifepost.

old school costumes, costume crown design templates, costue carnevale Heidi, childrens popcorn vendor costume and school Halloween 2008 pictures - Old-school Halloween costume time.

Renée feet fair - main page. Spain.

vegan shakes, vegan shamrock shake and vegan shamrock shakes - four people visited Vegan Shamrock Shakes. I'm the first result for the second and third phrases. I'm a groundbreaker in the world of vegan beverages.

who is the voice of Wii Fit? and what does Wii Fit voice say - Fatty Fat and the Wii Fit. I don't know, but I would like to smack that person around a little bit.

Cheesecake Factory Georgia peach recipe - Keyword Roundup, Volume 4. I don't know how to make them, but I sure do like them. Judging by the number of hits I get from people looking for the recipe, everyone else likes them, too.

female millennials - June 2008 archive.

don't eat oranges - Moral of the story: Don't eat orange food. I am the sixth result for that phrase. I'm curious, why shouldn't we eat oranges? I like them.

Renée golf - Golf and Hearts. I get this every so often, usually from Indonesia. Hmm.

chicken and rice soup from scratch - Soup from scratch: "chicken" and rice.

on the banks of the Red Cedar - On the banks of the Red Cedar, there's a school that's known to all. I'm the sixth result for this. I bleed green, baby.

what does baby diarrhea look like and baby diarrhea recipe - Sometimes my cooking looks like baby diarrhea but I promise it is far more delicious. I'm in the top ten for both of these and I'm not even a mommy blogger. Oh, yay.

Renée perfume in metal tube - main page. I'm the fifth result for this.

Ms Renée - main page. You found me, Saudi Arabia.

europerv - Keyword Roundup, Volume 5. I like to think that I invented that word.

heidi rnee jones - Pop culture and sleepless nights. That's not me.

Saturday, February 7, 2009

Back in the Navy, Day 6

When I woke up this morning, my head was in a fog and I could not kick my overwhelming sense of drowsiness. Two vanilla lattés seem to have done the trick. The only good thing about wasting the day away is that I can let it happen without feeling like I'm neglecting anyone. The cats sleep all afternoon anyway, and Jason's not here to notice if my only activity all day is trudging between the couch, bed, and kitchen.

Now that Jason is gone, I can do all sorts of things that I wouldn't do if he were here. For example:

  • Not flush the toilet when it's just a #1 (to conserve water). I know I am not the only person who does this!

  • Stay in my pajamas all day.

  • Allow the time between showers to extend into the 2-3 day zone--it doesn't matter if I smell because it's not offending anyone. And honestly, I'm so congested right now that I can't tell if I smell, so I'm not letting it happen on purpose. I showered yesterday afternoon though, so I'm probably still good.

  • Wear the same outfit I've been wearing all week when (and if) I get dressed.

  • Play the Wii Fit in my underwear. Not that this has happened--yet. Right now staying upright is enough of a challenge.

  • Eat combinations of foods that he wouldn't consider a meal. Last night I made a package of stuffing for dinner, and the leftovers of that are all I've eaten so far today. At some point I will run out of food and be forced to go buy some healthy, normal foods, but until then I am content to clean out the cupboards.

  • Stay up late watching trashy TV and surfing Youtube.

  • Let the dirty dishes pile up in the sink before I swap them with the clean ones in the dishwasher.

  • Leave the clean laundry sitting in the baskets while the dirty clothes pile up on the floor.

  • Let my hair go unbrushed all day.

  • Give his belongings away on Freecycle (good thing he took the video games with him).

Oh, wait. I do those things when Jason's here, too. But not to the extent that I do them when he's gone.

He arrived at Great Lakes late Wednesday night and called me around 2 AM to let me know he was safe. I was still up, of course. He told me with glee that he passed the "now leaving Massachusetts" sign with birds flying high--exactly what I plan to do when I finally get out of here. I asked him if he felt a twinge of regret that he'll never live here again, and the answer was emphatically no. In fact, I think his exact words were "Oh HELL no."

Despite that, the past few days were rough for him. It must have been a huge shock to his senses to be so suddenly immersed back into the military life after two years of being a civilian. During one of our many phone calls he told me in a wistful tone of voice that he misses being home with me, just passing the time together--instead he's all alone in a cinderblock room. I have the easy side of this, weathering the time apart in our cushy apartment with three cats whose primary goal is to be cuddled at all times.

He's high-ranking enough to have his own barracks room (with a chair and a desk that are serving as video game central) and gets three free galley meals a day. Next week he'll start classes on things he has to requalify for, like shooting all sorts of weapons and putting out fires. He'll also be issued a new set of uniforms.

I think that his "what am I doing here" feeling will fade once he gets back into a uniform. It's probably hard to feel like you're doing something important when you have no choice but to wear military-issue sweatpants wherever you go--he can't wear civilian clothes outside of his room and the only "uniform" he has is the t-shirt and pants they gave him for PT. He feels like a tool showing up to the various offices to do paperwork dressed like a sloppy little boy. I guess looking the part goes a long way in feeling the part.

Once we're back about the business of making our lives together as a Navy family it will be like we were never apart and he never got out. Until then, we adjust, adjust, adjust.

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

here I go again on my own

Yesterday morning Jason got up at the crack of dawn to go to Boston for his swearing in. He is now officially back on active duty!

This afternoon he left to join his temporary personnel unit at Naval Station Great Lakes, an hour or so north of Chicago.

As is our fashion, we had a rough last night together. We are both sick, and haven't been sleeping well for days--Jason especially, because he didn't want to take any cold medicine for fear that it would interfere with the drug tests he'll have to take. We've been busy doing everything but getting him ready to go: Saturday we had to go to a family birthday party, Sunday we went to a family Super Bowl party.

By last night, we were both at the ends of our ropes--sick, tired, stressed out, and irritable. A silly, insignificant misunderstanding got blown out of proportion by both of us, we both said cruel words in anger, and we went to bed upset and hurt. Still unable to fall asleep, we kept talking. It went nowhere but back and forth and round and round. I even went out to the couch for a while so we wouldn't talk anymore. I went back to bed in the wee hours of the morning, threading my limbs around and between cats and trying not to wake Jason up.

I woke up this morning feeling the closest to hung over I probably ever have (I have never had a real hangover). My head was pounding and my face hurt. My eyes were fuzzy, my throat hurt, and I walked with a stagger. We avoided each other all morning, barely speaking and not making eye contact.

Jason hit a wall with his packing when he couldn't fit all of his bags and boxes in the car. He ended up repacking in a smaller suitcase and leaving some non-essential clothes behind. But by god, he took all of his video games, a little TV, and two game systems (he left the Wii for me so I can use the Wii Fit). He does have his priorities. Sometimes misplaced to me, but he has them.

He had taken everything down to the car and I was dreading the moment when he came back to say goodbye. When he came thumping back upstairs with his big suitcase in tow, mumbling and swearing to himself, I felt bad for him and softened up. After he got the smaller bag in the car, it was time for him to go. We hugged each other goodbye, but I didn't let myself fully into it. It's painful to say goodbye when a problem isn't resolved, and for me it's easier to hide behind my walls. And so just like that, he left.

I stood there in our living room for a moment, stunned, then hit the stairs (thank goodness I had pants on). He was standing in the stairwell waiting for me. He said he knew that it was me when he heard footsteps behind him, so he waited. I dissolved into his arms and we both apologized for being so stubborn. We butt heads hard, but we love each other even harder. We parted with tears in our eyes, but only love in our hearts.

I watched him drive away, then came upstairs and cried in bed with Jacob and Lola. It was a relief to finally have a catharsis in a positive way.

Tonight I am having french fries and cold medicine for dinner. Tomorrow I'll attempt to be normal.

Yes, the title is totally a Whitesnake shoutout.