Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Happy new year, indeed!

It's official, Internet. I am going to be a Navy wife again! Jason got a call from his recruiter today, who said that Jason was greenlighted to go back in at his prior rate and rank. That means that he'll go back in with the same job (aviation technician) and salary he had when he got out in March 2007.

We could not be happier. The next step is for him to go get sworn in and sign on the dotted line. He'll also work out a timeline for going to the transient personnel unit near Chicago to await his orders. Within a month or two we'll know where he'll be stationed, and where we're going to live for the next four years. It is all so very exciting, and gives me such a feeling of hope that our lives and our happiness won't be swallowed up by the black hole that is Massachusetts after all.

Life is good. I have a Tofurky with carrots, potatoes, and celery roasting in the oven, squash on the stove waiting to be mashed, and champagne chilling in the refrigerator. Oh yeah, and there's rum, too. It wouldn't be a celebration without rum.

Happy new year! Love, us.

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

the worst Christmas present I ever got

I already told you about the best Christmas present I ever got. Now I want to show you the worst, which I opened (read: pulled out of a plastic shopping bag) upon my return from Michigan. And I really do think that it is the worst--the all time worst. Thank goodness I didn't open it in front of the family-in-law at their Christmas, because my first reaction was a loud, incredulous "What the hell is this?" And my exclamation may have been slightly more strongly-worded.

So, what the hell is it? It is a felt Darth Vader stocking that was obviously cut and glued by hand, but not in a good way--in a very sloppy fashion, probably by some 12-year-old in Malaysia. Actually, I am wrong--but only partly wrong. The tag inside it says "Hand-Crafted in China."

If I were a little boy, this would be a perfectly appropriate present. I could put my little cars and action figures in it and carry them around. When it got dirty or the bottom ripped out, no one would mind. However, I am a 26-year-old married woman. And there is no way in hell that I am putting my favorite toys in there.

Yes, I admit it. I like Star Wars. I like the movies. I am interested in books about how George Lucas assembled his imaginary universe, and I have a few. I have a crush on Han Solo. I may even own Luke Skywalker and Han Solo Barbie-esque dolls. But this does not mean that I want t-shirts from the little boys' section of Wal-Mart that I will never be able to wear (because they won't stretch over my boobs). It does not mean that I want coffee mug sets that only vaguely resemble anything Star Wars-related. And it does not mean that I want tacky Christmas decorations. I don't want stupid, ugly shit. It's as simple as that.


Almost as if to make up for that present fail, I also had some good presents waiting for me (that I ordered for myself, thank you very much): the Face the Music and Merry, Merry Christmas albums by New Kids on the Block. I am enjoying them greatly. Now that I have all of their albums, I can start acquiring the guys' solo albums. I am SO starting with Jordan.

As for the stocking, well, it'll make a great container in which to haul the dirty kitty litter to the dumpster...

(I am a horrible person.)

...No, I'm not actually going to put cat shit in it. But I am going to trash it, unless anyone on the internet has a better idea.

Sunday, December 28, 2008

Christmas and engagements and weddings, oh my.

I am back in Massachusetts. My trip home to Michigan was far too short, but we sure did accomplish a lot. My mom got married in a very special ceremony in her new living room, my sister got engaged to her boyfriend who is also named Jason (I knew all about his plans to propose but kept it a secret!), and I... well, I didn't do anything special, other than rocking my new dress, pictured below. I just enjoyed being home, getting used to things at my mom's new house, which I love, and taking up my old routines at my dad's, which include drinking large amounts of coffee, eating myself silly, and chasing their thirteen cats. The only thing missing from all of this was my most wonderful husband. Maybe next year.

Today I am relaxing with Jason, fattening my ass on coffee and chocolate and thinking about my own absolutely gorgeous wedding--one year ago on December 28, 2007! (Note: it's not our anniversary. We were legally married when we eloped in July 2006. Today is my dad and step-mom's anniversary, however--they got married on December 28, 2003. I guess my family likes winter weddings.) All pictures below by Michael Umansky (of Reflections Photography) or Jamison Wexler. If you are getting married in New York/New Jersey or Massachusetts/New Hampshire, respectively, check them out. The venue was the Beechwood Hotel in Worcester, Mass.

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

The mitten: a holiday essential.

Guess what?

I am there, in the mitten. ------>

And it is fabulous.

As much as I hated to leave Jason and the kitties (I totally cried in the car while I drove myself to the airport), I was so ready to get the hell out of Massachusetts. From the Masshole snow plow driver who was so rude to me that I did the Ugly Cry standing in our parking lot to the thought of going yet another holiday without seeing my family, I'd had enough.

So here I am in Mommy's new house, getting some work done before the Christmas crazy settles in.

Ok, that's not true. The crazy is already here.

And I love it.

Tomorrow is Mommy and Phillip's wedding, then Christmas, then back to Massachusetts on Friday to hopefully spend some quality time with my husband.

Merry Christmas, everyone.

Friday, December 19, 2008

Keyword Roundup, Volume 3

Georgia peach recipe cheesecake factory - Main page. Bottoms up, Dallas.

Mitchum deodorant wrecks shirts - Stuff I Like, Volume 2. It doesn't wreck my shirts. Sorry you have toxic sweat, Toronto.

Method products - Stuff I Like, Volume 2. I use them. I love them.

Ms Heidi boobs - Main page. I'm big in Tokyo, I guess. Kind of like Godzilla and Gwen Stefani. Cary, have you been traveling internationally? Jokes aside, my blog is the first result returned for this phrase, followed by a whole bunch of sites trashing Heidi Montag and her implants. See? Real is better than fake (at least in terms of page rank).

Heidi Renée Rice - Main page. Sorry, wrong girl.

Hedie Rene - Main page. You fail at spelling, Lansing, Michigan. If you are related to me, shame on you.

Glinda the Good Witch crown template - Old school Halloween costume time.

costumes that shows boobs - Old school Halloween costume time. I am shaking my head at this. Boobs, boobs, boobs.

Mitchum smart solid deodorant sweat test -ebay -yahoo -amazon - Stuff I Like, Volume 2. What the hell kind of a search is this?

vegan shamrock shake - Vegan Shamrock Shakes.

Heidi's blogspot - main page. Hi, Sacramento.

Vej Naturals - Snowy Sunday.

names that sound good after Renée - main page. Can't help you, Trinidad and Tobago. Renée is my middle name. Also, I have eccentric taste in baby names.

mature sucks boy tube - main page. Abu Dhabi, United Arab Emirates, you are a pervert. And I have an odd combination of words scattered across my main page on a regular basis.

the best Christmas present I ever got story, he got me the best Christmas present, Christmas present engagement ring story, and best Christmas present you ever got - the best Christmas present I ever got. I am now envied on three continents.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

You can call him Harry Winston.

Ask and ye shall receive, Internet.*

My darling husband and I gave each other our Christmas presents this evening, and boy did he surprise me... with the only thing in the world that I really, truly wanted--my heart's one desire. Yes, those. -------->

That man really knows how to win a girl's heart. The enclosed card said:

For someone worth pursuing.



MELT. That is what I am right now. A big puddle of melted lady. With bling earrings. This makes it the fourth Christmas in a row that he has swept me off my feet with sparkly baubles. In 2005, it was my engagement ring. In 2006, a necklace. Last year, a pair of diamond studs to wear at our wedding. I guess I am easy to shop for.

The best part of all was the note. It said volumes in only six words, words that have a much deeper meaning between us than their dictionary definitions would indicate. And that is why I love him. Not because he buys me nice things (although I do like that, of course), but because he is wonderfully thoughtful and incredibly loving and THE BEST HUSBAND EVER.

Baby, you are worth pursuing, too. I love you more than you could possibly imagine.

* To my credit, I did not ask for the earrings. Jason wheedled it out of me by asking over and over what do you want, what do you really, really want, and so I was honest, expecting that such a gift would be out of our range.

Sunday, December 14, 2008

Power-Free Friday

How was everyone's weekend? We had a bit of a storm Thursday night. It kicked the asses of Northeastern Massachusetts and Southern New Hampshire. By the time we woke up on Friday morning (thanks to the battery backup on Jason's alarm clock), the power was out and everything was coated with a thick layer of ice. Trees and branches were strewn everywhere. Power lines were down. It was a mess. It still is, even though the ice is gone. But holy god, was all of that ice beautiful. When the sunshine hit the trees, it sparkled like diamonds and Swarovski crystal (two of my favorite things). The pictures don't even begin to capture how amazingly gorgeous it was. Truly, it was breathtaking. I kept going to the window to gaze in wonder at all the ice.

Since I couldn't work due to the power outages, I took some vacation time and read all day. I started with The Last Lecture, which made me cry, cry, cry. I highly recommend it. I started Nickel and Dimed, but ran out of daylight. I used to read all the time, but have not done it as much since Jason came into my life. I have a shelf full of books I've been meaning to read--some given to me as gifts, some I pilfered from my sister, some I've bought for myself over the years. And my mom has boxes and boxes of books that were mine over the years. When I was in elementary and middle school, I was rarely without a book. During high school and college, most of my reading was for classes--classic English and American literature, Shakespeare, feminist theory, French novels (as in... written in French), Russian lit (translated, of course)... books have been my constant companion. I definitely need to start reading again! I had forgotten how much I love it.

By the time Jason got home from work (where they miraculously never lost power), it was pitch black--the clouds were so thick that the moon and stars were completely blotted out. I had to meet him at the door to our building with a flashlight so he could make it up the three flights of zero-visibility stairs. I lit candles and we sat on the couch staring at each other, waiting for something to happen. I said, "I guess this is the part where the pioneers told each other interesting stories to pass the time." We couldn't think of any stories. I guess we're boring without you, Internet.

Since Jason was on call for work Friday night, we had to go somewhere with power. Our neighbor had told me that all of the hotels in the area were booked up, but luckily, the travel service that works with Jason's company was able to find us a sweet room only half an hour away. We threw whatever necessities we could find in the dark into bags, and headed out the door. We had just loaded up the car when--flicker, crackle, flash (it literally sounded like the battery commercial where the bunny powers the space shuttle up)--the power came back on. Go figure. We went to the hotel anyway since it was too late to get a refund (don't worry, we won't have to pay for it ourselves--Jason got permission to count it as a work expense) and staying at hotels is always fun.

Yesterday we finished up our Christmas shopping for Jason's family. I'm still working on my people. Hopefully I can get it all figured out before I go to Michigan! Today we're staying in. I made pancakes for breakfast and have done a few loads of laundry; Jason is getting himself ready to go on yet another work trip tomorrow.

I'm hoping for some snow to get me in the holiday spirit since we aren't getting a tree this year. I have my Silk Nog and rum ready!

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

As if I needed another reason to love New Kids on the Block...

They went and gave me one, anyway:

These people should keep their day jobs, because they'll never make it as rappers. But I love the contributions from Jordan, Donnie, and Joe!

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

How I knew.

My real-life friend Sara asked me a few questions in the comments of my engagement story post yesterday, and I thought I'd answer them in long form rather than try to smoosh my answers into a comment-sized bite.

1, so, when did you know? Obviously 6 months in you were cocky-certain. :)

I knew very soon after we started dating in July 2005 that Jason was the man I wanted to marry. I just... knew. The first picture I saw of him online, before meeting him in person, was helpful in that regard (yes, that's the one right there, and yes, we met on the Internet). Who wouldn't want him?

Seriously though, we both went into it wanting an exclusive, real, committed relationship, so we dated only each other (not that I had any prospects, but cute sailors can pick up a girl any old place).

He was exactly what I had been longing for: someone to love me and indulge me and take care of me (not that I can't take care of myself, because I did fine on my own, but having a partner to lean on is always better).

In August we adopted Jacob and Jasper together. And to me, kittens = commitment. How could a relationship with those three lovies go wrong? We do still butt heads about the dirty, smelly socks strewn around, though.

In September, when I learned that I would be losing my apartment in a matter of months if I didn't buy it for $300,000 as a luxury condominium, we had a conversation (on instant messenger--we are so mature) about living together during which he said "I planned on putting a ring on that finger after we've lived together for a year... that's my guarantee to you." I saved the conversation for blackmail, that's how I remember what he said word-for-word. So not only did I know that I wanted to marry him, after that I knew that he felt the same way.

Our relationship kicked into hyperdrive when I moved in with him in October 2005. We hadn't planned to cohabitate so soon, but it seemed like a win-win for both of us, so we figured we'd give it a try. And I was over there most nights anyway (sorry, Mommy), so what point was there in paying two rents?

By the time Thanksgiving rolled around, things were going better than well and his previous statements of intent had been backed up by his actions a million-fold. For instance, he learned how to give in to my every whim--an important skill that all husbands need to develop--and rule the world with me at the same time. Thus my familial assurances that a proposal was nigh. Because it was my (very serious non-whim) whim, and because it was what he, co-ruler of the world, wanted. And yes, that is the real Department of Defense press conference room at the Pentagon... we know people.

2, and perhaps more seriously, why were you dropping hints? was it an important next step for you both? was it the inevitable and you didn't want to wait? was it important for personal reasons? did religious guilt kick in? I'm just curious how you knew you wanted it.

I did get anxious to have a ring on my finger to legitimize our commitment in the eyes of my family. Not that they were super-worried about it, or disapproved of us shacking up (at least nobody ever said so). But it was inevitable, so why wait? But most of all, I was head-over-heels in love and wanted to be the future Mrs. Jason RIGHT NOW. Thus began my hint campaign. It was probably a little wannabe-fiancée-zilla of me, but I wanted it to be absolutely clear to him that I wanted to be his wife.

There was no religious guilt at all. Neither of us are particularly religious, nor are our immediate families. It was a relief to not have any of that in the mix.

I could get into all the feminist arguments against marriage, and there was a time in college during which I said over and over that I wouldn't likely get married, but I'll spare you the lecture (if you want that, go hit up a WS class at MSU). Once I earned my degree in Women's Studies (yes, really--but don't worry, I have another degree that is actually usable), I quickly got over being so self-righteous, left academia, and, for the first time, met a man I truly wanted to marry. And if marriage is good enough for Gloria Steinem, it is good enough for me.

We decided to elope in July 2006 after suffering through Jason's obligatory two-month deployment (which was actually short compared to what's normal) on an aircraft carrier (which meant no phone calls). We knew we were ready to be married. We didn't have a wedding event then because we didn't want anyone to be left out. So we had to leave everyone out to be fair. We went to court and that was that. Just me and my man in a sailor suit. It was bizarre and hilarious and romantic and perfect. It was one of the best days of my life.

Monday, December 8, 2008

the best Christmas present I ever got

Saturday (December 6) marked the anniversary of Jason's offer to make a decent woman of me, so I thought I'd share the story with you.

Jason bought a ring at the beginning of December in 2005, intending to propose in a romantic manner at Christmas or on New Year's Eve, after he'd taken me to Massachusetts to meet his family for the first time (this was when he was in the Navy, so we were still living in Virginia then).

After picking up the ring, however, he was too excited to wait that long. He absolutely had to give me the ring when I got home from work that evening. He was waiting anxiously when I walked in the door. He gave me a hug, as always, and said, "There's something for you in the bedroom." I could tell something was up with him because he was acting funny, but I didn't think anything of this "something"--I was expecting junk mail, a dismembered cockroach, or cat vomit--so I went about attending to my after-work business.

After a second encouragement that this something really must have my attention right away, I went to see what it was (and I'm thinking, "holy christ that has got to be a huge pile of hairball"), with Jason (and Jacob and Jasper) following right behind.

There was a little blue box on the nightstand. I knew immediately what it was. I had been dropping not-at-all subtle hints since the fall that I expected a proposal soon--I even went so far as to assure my family at Thanksgiving that I would be engaged by year's end (cocky much? ...a little too much, perhaps).

So I'm standing there in the bedroom holding this little blue box, my hands trembling almost too hard to open it. Jason, seemingly tongue-tied, watched me from the doorway. I finally managed to get it open, and found the most gorgeous ring. Jason was standing next to me by now. "Is this what I think it is?" I said. He squeaked out a "yeah" and I threw my arms around him, squealing gleefully.

Then I remembered that he had forgotten something. I pulled back for a moment and said, "Do you have something to ask me?" He grinned sheepishly and said, "Yeah, I wanted to know if you'll marry me."

I accepted, of course, and we spent the rest of the evening calling our families to share the good news (Jason had Jasper's help in that endeavor).

We ended up eloping thanks to the Navy and stupid family issues. We said our vows to each other (on the beach where we had our first date) on July 4, 2006, exactly a year after we met. We were legally married at the courthouse in Virginia Beach the next day.

I'll write more about our wedding celebration at the end of the month.

Sunday, December 7, 2008

Snowy Sunday

We got our first real snowfall overnight, so it was the perfect morning to brew a pot of coffee and bake our breakfast. At dinner last night at Vej Naturals (a vegan restaurant in Jason's hometown, of all places), I overheard the chef telling another customer about the vegan pumpkin muffins he was making for their breakfast crowd, and I was inspired. Ashley's recipe for pumpkin muffins had been sitting in my bookmarks, so I pulled that up and got to work. I made some plain pumpkin and some with chocolate chips--both were delicious. The only change I made to the recipe was substituting applesauce for oil (to try to be healthy) and pumpkin pie spice for ginger and cloves (because we don't have those). Jason liked them (and so did Lola, as you can see). Luckily, Jason seems to have recovered from his orange food phobia. Good thing, because I don't think he could carry on living without Kraft macaroni and cheese.

Yesterday afternoon was spent getting the Corvette ready for winter storage. It sucks to have to put it away so soon after getting it, but it's definitely not suited for winter driving. Jason was having apoplexy at the thought of a snowflake even looking at it, let alone TOUCHING it. And the SALT... Well, we aren't going to talk about that ferocious, corrosive, car-nivorous, son of a bitch salt. It's a fate too terrible to speak of out loud. Or type about.

She is now cuddled up in her cover and ensconced in a heated warehouse in New Hampshire to hibernate for the winter and make friends with other sports cars and some motorhomes. But don't worry, we disconnected her battery so she doesn't get too friendly with those skanky motorhomes. You know how they have room for everyone, those dirty whore-mobiles.

And yes, Jason uses feminine pronouns when talking about this car. I guess it's the curves:

I don't know if he has named her. He gets a panicked look in his eyes and forgets how to speak English whenever I want to talk about potential baby names, so it's best not to mention it.

Baby names and salt--that which must not be discussed.

Friday, December 5, 2008

Want! (And yes, we got a Corvette)


I said the other day that I would write about my extravagant objects of desire, so here they are.

I want these baubles:

And I suppose I'll need this jewelry armoire to store my baubles out of feline reach.

This faux shearling coat would be lovely; a girl can never have too many coats (and I love coats with hoods). I could wear it while I use these skates. Then we could come home and watch this Anne of Green Gables trilogy boxed set and make lattés with this espresso machine.

Now that I've actually looked up all of these things, perhaps they aren't such extravagant wants after all. I won't get any of the jewelry because I would never ask for something that expensive, but aside from the jewelry, I don't think these are unreasonable things to want. I'm not one for purses or shoes that cost thousands of dollars; I guess my personal weakness is jewelry... And boys who like hot rods (and maybe fancy bras because boys who like hot rods also tend to like tricked-out titslings).

That said, I think this $5,000,000 bra is the most ridiculous thing EVER.

About the car: I suppose I could have made a bigger deal about us getting the Corvette, but I didn't want to make a big deal of it. Jason earned it fair and square by working his ass off, and the stars aligned in a miraculous way to make it possible for us to trade in our old one (a 1997 C5) toward the new one (a 2005 C6) in an affordable manner. Seriously, it was the work of Santa, Jesus, Mary, Joseph, and the three wise men AND their camels (I think the camels made the difference). We are very lucky in that the economic downturn hasn't had much of an effect on us, and both of our jobs are secure. Mine because there are very few people crazy (and dedicated) enough to do it (especially for a peanuts salary), and Jason's because the need for national security is never going to go away.

I'll leave you with this exchange from dinner tonight:

40-something-year-old Waitress: (walks up to our table for the first time, and looks at me with wide eyes) You look so yooooung! You have such a pretty little face!
Me: (not surprised because I get this all the time) Oh... thank you.
Waitress: (uncorks bottle) We're sampling [insert wine name here] tonight, do you have some ID?

So I look so young, but you still want to push your wine on me, lady? I declined. Wine makes my mouth taste like rotten fruit.

Thursday, December 4, 2008

Stuff I Like, Volume 2

Welcome to another installment of Stuff I Like, where I talk about products I'm using and loving. Sadly, I don't get paid for any of this shameless promotion. I just really like this stuff and think you might, too.

  • Lush Daddy-O Shampoo: I like this enough to spend $30 on the big bottle. A dab'll do ya, as my middle school art teacher would say, so I justify the cost because it lasts so long. It makes my hair shiny and clean, but the real draw is the smell, the heavenly, orgasmic smell that stays on my hair for days even after conditioning and blow-drying. And it's purple--who doesn't love something bright and pretty in the shower? It's 100% vegan and not tested on animals. I LOVE THIS SHAMPOO. You can buy it online or in Lush stores.

  • Mitchum Smart Solid Anti-Perspirant and Deodorant: I swear by this stuff. No white residue. No sweat spots on my shirts. No funny smells. No animal testing (it's made by Revlon). Right now I have a tube of the powder scent for women and Jason has a tube of the greenwood scent for men. Sometimes I buy the unscented tube and we share. Is that gross? Whatever--it works. You can get Mitchum deodorants at most grocery stores.

  • Alba Botanica Aloe & Green Tea Oil-Free Moisturizer: I just recently bought this. Like the face wash and scrub I mentioned last time, it works like a charm to keep my dry winter weather skin from peeling off my face without making it out-of-control oily. And of course it's cruelty-free and has 100% vegetarian ingredients. I got the moisturizer, face wash, and scrub at Target.

  • Method Aroma Pill Plug-In Fragrance Diffuser and Aroma Soy Candles: I have an Aroma Pill in each bathroom, and if we lived someplace bigger, I would have more of these. I'm currently enjoying the vanilla apple scent for both these and the candles, but they have special holiday scents out now, too. They're not tested on animals and don't contain animal ingredients. I'm giving my mother- and sister-in-law some of the holiday stuff to be subversive. I dare them to dislike my animal-friendly present! Method products are sold at Targets and in some grocery stores.

  • Swheat Scoop Natural Wheat Litter: I will never use clumping clay litter again. This stuff clumps and is flushable, plus it doesn't harm the environment like clay litters, which never biodegrade. I buy it in giant 40-pound bags at my favorite local pet supply store, Healthy Pets, or at the grocery store in smaller boxes.

  • Nature's Gate Cool Mint Gel Natural Toothpaste: Again with the cruelty-free and no animal ingredients. That is how I roll. We started using this toothpaste when we lived in Virginia and bought it at the Navy commissary. It's not sold in regular stores here that I can find, but we finally found it at the commissary at Hanscom Air Force Base and bought about 20 tubes of it last time we went. We only have a couple left--a return trip is in order very soon.

What are you loving right now? What cruelty-free products do you recommend?

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Keyword Roundup, Volume 2

Here are the most recent search terms people have used to get here, and the entries those terms yielded, plus my comments:

shamrock shake recipe, vegan and vegan shamrock shake - These both went to Vegan Shamrock Shakes.

chili with beans looks like diarrhea, diarrhea looks like rice, what looks like diaherria, and what looks like diarrhea - These all went to Sometimes my cooking looks like baby diarrhea but I promise it is far more delicious. This entry was the fourth result for that first phrase. Great. Now anytime anyone Googles diarrhea, they'll get linked to my blog. (Here's a picture of my vegan chili. Does it look like a loose deuce to you?)

Obama jif - This went to the main page. The President-elect plus peanut butter? Sounds good to me.

renee joyeux - Joyeux anniversaire.

costume time - Old-school Halloween costume time - Main page, obviously. Hello, Potterville, Michigan. Do I know you?

renee golf - Golf and Hearts

school halloween 2008 - Old-school Halloween costume time

old school boobs - Old-school Halloween costume time Mine are 26 years old, thank you very much.

do raccoons eat pine cones? - Surgery, travel, and baby raccoons, oh my! From my experience, they do not. They prefer cat food.

heidi renee - Main page. Hello, Denmark.

mixed drink georgia peach from cheesecake factory - Joyeux anniversaire. An excellent choice by a drinker in Denver.

barber shops in grand rapids do black hair and stay open late - Main page. Can't help you there, Hampton Bays, New York.

birthday card; quit being younger than me you bitch! - Old-school Halloween costume time. An excellent card, Lansing, Michigan. Are you related to me, by any chance?

cholesterol wii fit - Fatty Fat and the Wii Fit. Somebody in Korea feels my pain.

My final thought: I should change the name of this blog to The Boobs and Diarrhea Blog.

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Doing our part to keep the U.S. boat afloat.

Hello, Internet. I have been gone for a few days. Did you miss me? (Of course not.)

I wasn't really gone, of course. I was right here. With my sick husband. I actually had a sickish couple of days, too. We skipped out on Thanksgiving and bought a car instead (you're welcome, GM, you worthless company), which lifted his spirits incredibly. I have the most spoiled husband in the universe. He's never getting a Christmas present ever again (ok, that's definitely not true).

But really, he deserves this. He has worked so hard for everything he has, Internet. He has earned it.

And he continues to earn it--90 hours the week before Thanksgiving! And he's at it again this week. He left for Colorado yesterday, so I'm all by my lonesome again. Hopefully he's not even sicker when he comes home in a few days.

I've also been busy stimulating the economy (that sounds more charitable than saying "shopping"). My most notable purchase is a dress for my mom's wedding (yes, I get to go home for it!). It cost far less than a Corvette. I am a cheap wife. At least compared to Jason, the things I want seem cheap. In fact, I think I will make a list of my outrageous wants later this week, so you all can judge if my dream possessions are more or less extravagant than his.

A housekeeping item of note: you may have noticed that I've updated my "Elsewhere" section on the right column. So go have a look at my friends' blogs (these are people I know in real life), and other awesome blogs by people I only wish were my friends. Go! They have much more interesting things to say than I do. I'm too busy hibernating.

Thus concludes this pathetic excuse for an update.

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Moral of the story: Don't eat orange food.

Remember how I was complaining that I never get to see my husband? Of course you do. Well, he finally came home Sunday night, and I met him at the door with pumpkin chocolate chip cookies. He had one after dinner and promptly went to bed.

Yesterday morning he woke up feeling sick to his stomach. He went to work anyway, but called soon after he got there to tell me that he was coming home soon and that I had better not eat any more cookies because he was throwing up all over the place, and it had to be because of the cookies because it was orange. I told him that I had eaten five cookies to his one, and that I was just fine, so I was sure it wasn't the cookies. He said that he was sure that it WAS the cookies because his puke was ORANGE, and why else would he be puking ORANGE if it weren't the cookies. That's right: MY HUSBAND ACCUSED ME OF POISONING HIM WITH MY COOKIES. Never mind that he had also eaten candy and pizza that would have made his outpourings orange-tinted, it HAD to have been my pumpkin cookies. Meanwhile, I kept eating the tainted cookies and the rest of the pizza, and I've been fine the whole time.

When he came home that afternoon I was cleaning up cat puke (which, ironically, was also orange), signing for a UPS delivery, and participating in a conference call--ALL AT THE SAME TIME. He said something about "those motherfuckers" loud enough for everyone on the phone to hear, then took his sailor mouth and settled into bed with a bucket into which he would dry heave every so often. I didn't hear a peep out of him until that evening.

I think I've convinced him that it wasn't my cookies, and rather the flu, because he called out sick this morning and I haven't fed him anything since Sunday night. Also because it is OBVIOUSLY the flu.

So, while he's been recovering from my POISON, I've been enjoying it. I have three more cans of pumpkin, so I plan to make more poisonous food soon. A vegan pumpkin cheesecake, perhaps? Muffins? THE POISONOUS PUMPKIN COULD BE LURKING ANYWHERE.

The details: I veganized this recipe--just use Ener-G egg replacer and non-dairy butter... simple! As Molly commented, they are very cake-like. As such, they taste best warm! I am eating one right now, and if it were a tad later, I would be having a mug of hot cider and rum with it.

P.S. Wouldn't you like to marry a sailor, too?

Obama Pictures and McCain Pictures

Sunday, November 23, 2008

Move along, this is just a bunch of complaining.

Last weekend we were driving around in my car when a New Kids on the Block song came on the radio. I began my obligatory rocking out, and Jason asked me why I didn't burn some copies of my CD so we could have one at home and in each car. I said "You want that CD in your cars?" He said, "I wouldn't mind it. I like some of the songs on that new CD." Yes, you read that right. I AM A VERY PERSUASIVE PERSON.

This weekend we haven't had the chance to do anything together, let alone discuss the merits of New Kids on the Block songs. Jason is a field service technician for a company that manufactures a very complicated kind of security equipment. As such, he often has to travel. I have seen him for a total of about five hours this week. He was in South Dakota for work all week. He got home at 2 AM Saturday morning, then had to leave again at 7 AM to go to Vermont because a machine there went down. We had to cancel all of our weekend plans. It is SO FRUSTRATING. The money is good, especially considering that when all is said and done, he'll have worked more than 80 hours this week--half of those for overtime pay. We'll have a good Christmas, that's for sure.

But that's the thing: I don't want presents, I just want him. Jason is on call for Christmas and the weekend following Christmas, so he has to stay in Massachusetts. Of course, he might not even be able to stay home--if he gets called to go fix something, he has to go. So I might be stuck in Massachusetts ALONE for Christmas. Fuck that.

What I really want is to go home to Michigan. It doesn't look like that is going to happen, though, and I am completely heartbroken because it sounds like I am going to be missing out on a lot of Mitten State fun, including my mother getting married, my sister being home, and a chance to meet Ashley. Of course, if I do somehow get to go, I won't be with Jason. So either way something will be missing.

Something will be missing like it has been all week.

funny pictures of cats with captions ...

...and I miss you. See you tonight (I hope).

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Still a fatty fat.

This was the view from our balcony a few weeks ago:

Now it's gone, gone, gone, leaving bare, drab branches in place of all that color. If I can't have pretty leaves anymore, then bring on the snow. What's the holdup?

Jason is in South Dakota for work this week (boo), so I have to keep myself occupied. Monday night I went to pick up Jasper's insulin from the pharmacy, so I stopped by the mall while I was out. Gap didn't have the party dresses I wanted to try on in stock yet, so I popped into Limited to look at theirs. I took one look at their sizing and styles and knew I was probably out of luck, but I did get a top that I am super-excited to wear the next time we go out.

Last night I worked out for the first time in a long time (thanks to Ashley, who inspired me). I have been slacking pretty badly on my mission to lose weight, and have been feeling awful about my body. In fact, I haven't lost any weight at all (hey, at least I didn't get fatter). Last week I was so bloated that I could barely get my wedding rings on. Gross, right? That, at least, is back to normal. So this week I'm watching what I eat, restricting portion sizes (and I am STARVING right now--it's dinner time!), and getting up off of my ass. I hope to keep this up when Jason gets back--we could both use the activity.

Surprisingly, I am not sore today. I figured I would be. I like to be. If I go to the gym tonight, I will work harder--more weight, more reps, faster pace. I want to feel the burn!

Sunday, November 16, 2008

I am only up this late because...

...I am trying to place a Gap order with a coupon code that expired on Sunday (which it ceased to be while I was picking out shirts for Jason) and now the Web site is down. The things I do for my precious preppy clothing when I have a hefty discount... I am shaking my head at myself, but I can't pass up 30 percent off.

We didn't end up going dancing on Friday. Instead, Jason rented Iron Man and I finally finished reading Skinny Bitch. We spent all day Saturday out in the rain hunting down video games, then returning them when Jason discovered "scratches" on the discs. (We do that every weekend. You only think that I am kidding.)

After having a salad bar/split veggie burger dinner at Ruby Tuesday's, we went home to give Jasper his insulin. I then spent two hours trying on my "going out" clothes before settling on Gap jeans and a black ruffled top from Old Navy.

It was unseasonably warm out, so I was going to wear some nice knee-length black pants I got at Target with a black and silver lacy cami, but that wouldn't work because I did not have the right shoes to wear with short pants. I couldn't wear my cute black beaded flip flops because hello, those are not bar/club-wear--I am not going to risk getting my foot impaled by some drunk ho in stilettos. Actually, I couldn't wear anything open-toed because right now my toes look like they belong on a hobbit's foot. (I'm sure you must be thinking that it is awfully stupid for me to care about anyone looking at my toes in a dark dance club, and you would be right--anyone would be far too busy looking at my boobs to look down and notice my fugly toes. I'm just saying.) My black sling-back flats looked stupid, and my black pumps hurt too much when I don't wear tights. My favorite black shoes that I've had since high school are too beat up to wear and will be headed to the trash soon. (Their insides are ripping out. It's sad.)

I finally decided to wear jeans so I could just wear my comfortable, cute black faux-leather soccer cleats that I got from the men's section at Payless. (I wear men's size six. I dated a guy in college whose feet were smaller than mine. His other parts were smaller than mine, too--even the parts I don't technically have. Oh yes, I am going there on the internet. I just googled him and I find myself compelled to mock his post-college job, too, but I suppose insulting his genitalia is quite sufficient for today.)

After I fussed with my rain- and humidity-wrecked hair and makeup and Jason made an ATM run for cover charge cash, we made our way to Rain (in Jason's hometown!), where we shook our bon-bons until closing time. Have I ever mentioned how much I love going out? Because I LOVE IT. It makes me wish we had a larger social network so we could go to events and parties. As it is, we're at an age where everyone starts to marry off and the only wedding on our horizon is in spring 2009. We may not even go to that. It depends on if we still live in Massachusetts.

And we might not. The Navy thing is still a possibility, but tonight Jason brought up the potential of moving to Michigan instead, and I nearly burst into tears during dinner at Mehmaan because moving home to live there (for real) and not just visit (for play) would MAKE MY LIFE. And trust me that I mean that without a shred of sarcasm, because home + husband = my dream come true. For real and not for play. Shit, I'm teary-eyed right now just thinking about it.

I could be with my family, I could have FRIENDS again (and let's be honest, I do not have a single friend in Massachusetts--it's pathetic), and I could feel like MYSELF for once instead of feeling like an alien. I would never have suggested moving home for fear of making Jason feel pressured into it, but it was all his idea, and he is quite serious about it. He said that I gave up my happy life in Virginia to come live near his family in Massachusetts, and now that we know that we're mostly unhappy with the result of that, we should give it a try near my family. Because they are AWESOME and accepting and they think he is Jesus. Well, that might be a slight exaggeration, but my family members do like him an awful lot. And he likes them, too.

Massachusetts is a long, dark tunnel (seriously, it gets dark here at 4 PM now!) and the prospect of going home for good is a floodlight on the horizon. I'm trying so, so hard not to get my hopes up, but as it is I don't get to go home for Thanksgiving or Christmas this year, so I have to hang on to whatever shred of hope I can find.

Friday, November 14, 2008

Keyword Roundup, Volume 1

Apparently, my mother is not the only person who reads this blog. Some (un)lucky Googlers have also meandered through these parts, in search of information that they probably did not find. Sorry for their bad luck.

Here are the most recent search terms people have used to get here, and the entries those terms yielded, plus my comments:

Douglas Brinkley - Election Day by the Adult Beverages (oh, and some political stuff, too)

grabbing my boobs - Old-school Halloween costume time That's right, Canton, Ohio, I see you.

raccoon eat pine cone - Surgery, travel, and baby raccoons, oh my!

Byron Pitts CBS mother Obama - Election Day by the Adult Beverages (oh, and some political stuff, too)

soy sauce diarrhea - Sometimes my cooking looks like baby diarrhea but I promise it is far more delicious. Having a little problem, Grand Rapids, Michigan?

presidential historian - Election Day by the Adult Beverages (oh, and some political stuff, too)

Heidi's sister Halloween - Old-school Halloween costume time What about her, Toronto?

Couric choked up Obama win - Election Day by the Adult Beverages (oh, and some political stuff, too)

my nasty costume - Old-school Halloween costume time

old school costumes images - Old-school Halloween costume time

Bethany Chismark - I once dated a rabid U of M fan. No really, I think he had rabies.

inches hair gone - Forget couples counseling, we get couples HAIRCUTS

heidi renee 26 - Obviously, channel 26 cannot be beat in terms of public access television.

Douglas Brinkley toupee - Election Day by the Adult Beverages (oh, and some political stuff, too) Great minds think alike, Carmel, New York.

had a one night stand with - Surgery, travel, and baby raccoons, oh my! This also brought up the main page. Who knew I was so scandalous?

had a one night stand with heidi m. 2001 - This one brought up the main page as the sixth result. I am not Heidi M. Sorry, Allen Park, Michigan.

What's everyone doing tonight? I really want to go dancing. We'll see if I can talk Jason into it.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

my kitchen stylings

The past few days I have been a cooking machine. Last night I made eggplant parmesan with roasted asparagus, mushroom meatballs, and French bread. The night before that, lemon "chicken" and mashed butternut squash. Before that, "beef" and broccoli stir-fry. Monday night we had big, fresh salads with rotini and sauce (because Jason won't eat just salad as a meal, no matter how I make it). This was all vegetarian, of course.

Now, don't think I'm getting all fancy--a lot of this stuff is store-bought so I can cut corners. The squash was precubed; I just boiled and mashed it with Smart Balance. The eggplant was frozen and pre-breaded. The mushroom meatballs were from a package. The French bread was from the grocery store bakery; I sliced it, slathered on some Smart Balance, and popped it in the oven to get crusty.

Despite the shortcuts, it was all still delicious. Jason even came home for lunch today, and had two servings of leftover lemon chicken and eggplant with a side of squash and asparagus. Of course, now that he's already had leftovers today I have no idea what to make for dinner. I have another big bunch of asparagus in the fridge so I suppose I'll pop that in the oven and pray for something else inspiring to appear.

Even though I work from home, my job often keeps me busy well into the evening. That's the thing about telecommuting--you can never really leave for the night. It does afford other benefits, like working in sweatpants and not getting yelled at for looking at LOLcats first thing in the morning, so I'll take the occasional extra hour of work. If I didn't work, though, I would cook. I would get out my pasta maker that I have sadly never used and make some noodles. I would make Jason breakfast in the morning. I would start making dinner at 4 PM. But most importantly, I would bake.

Everyone in the blogosphere has been posting the most delicious-sounding pumpkin recipes, and I need to get in on that action. I have been wanting to bake all week, and I picked up some canned pumpkin and spices yesterday, so now all I have to do is pick a recipe and veganize it.

Decisions, decisions.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

2 in the Morning

I had a dream this morning that I was in my bed, the top bunk of a set of bunkbeds, at my dad's old apartment in Lansing. It has been years since he lived there, but I was my current age. I was going to a New Kids on the Block concert, so Daddy gave me a gift: a New Kids album! It was on a record, and it was an album from 1994 that I had never seen before. Some of the writing on it was in Turkish, and none of the song titles were familiar. Now, I obviously don't speak Turkish, but I knew that's what it was. I was very excited.

I woke up suddenly when Jacob knocked my entire jewelry box off of my dresser. That little shit. I really would have liked to have more of that dream.

The picture is from my eighth birthday, I think. See what a good little NKOTB fan I am?

And here's the dream disrupter:

Note: 2 in the Morning is one of my favorite songs on the new NKOTB album.