This weekend I decided that I have several health issues that are probably going to cause me to die.
It started when I sustained a blunt force trauma head injury yesterday morning.
You might recall the sob story of how our box spring will be leaning against the wall in the living room until we move out of our current apartment. Well, Jacob is still enamored with sitting on top of it. In fact, he is stretched out up there right now, fast asleep.
So yesterday, Jason and I were sitting on the couch. Jacob hopped his fuzzy butt up onto the box spring, causing it to tip away from the wall. The first obstacle it met on its way down was the back of my head. The wooden edge of the box spring whacked me so hard that I saw stars and couldn't think straight. Jacob, of course, just held on and enjoyed the ride, then sat there like nothing had happened. Jason was leaning forward when it tipped, so he only got bumped on the back. I was momentarily stunned, but my head quickly started to throb. The tears began flowing and I hid my face in Jason's lap. Being the sensitive man that he is, he told me that I was just upset from the shock of being so startled. Um, no, you douche, it's the pain from being WHACKED IN THE SKULL WITH A BOARD that's upsetting me.
So my first death is going to be due to my head injury. Like Natasha Richardson. I figure I'm lucky I even woke up this morning. If you don't hear from me for a few days, it's probably because I have fallen into a blunt force trauma-induced coma. Thanks, Jacob!
My second death is going to be from skin cancer. I was reading an article about it in an issue of Ladies' Home Journal, and there was an example picture of squamous cell carcinoma (shown here). I've decided that I have that on my arm. A doctor has told me before that this particular spot is fine, but I know better because LHJ says so.
My third death is going to be because I have cavities in my teeth. I've never had one before, but I might as well have some since I'm already dying.
In other news, it was 102 degrees here today. I probably have heatstroke, too.