Sunday, May 17, 2009

Hypochondriac, much?

This weekend I decided that I have several health issues that are probably going to cause me to die.

It started when I sustained a blunt force trauma head injury yesterday morning.

You might recall the sob story of how our box spring will be leaning against the wall in the living room until we move out of our current apartment. Well, Jacob is still enamored with sitting on top of it. In fact, he is stretched out up there right now, fast asleep.

So yesterday, Jason and I were sitting on the couch. Jacob hopped his fuzzy butt up onto the box spring, causing it to tip away from the wall. The first obstacle it met on its way down was the back of my head. The wooden edge of the box spring whacked me so hard that I saw stars and couldn't think straight. Jacob, of course, just held on and enjoyed the ride, then sat there like nothing had happened. Jason was leaning forward when it tipped, so he only got bumped on the back. I was momentarily stunned, but my head quickly started to throb. The tears began flowing and I hid my face in Jason's lap. Being the sensitive man that he is, he told me that I was just upset from the shock of being so startled. Um, no, you douche, it's the pain from being WHACKED IN THE SKULL WITH A BOARD that's upsetting me.

So my first death is going to be due to my head injury. Like Natasha Richardson. I figure I'm lucky I even woke up this morning. If you don't hear from me for a few days, it's probably because I have fallen into a blunt force trauma-induced coma. Thanks, Jacob!

My second death is going to be from skin cancer. I was reading an article about it in an issue of Ladies' Home Journal, and there was an example picture of squamous cell carcinoma (shown here). I've decided that I have that on my arm. A doctor has told me before that this particular spot is fine, but I know better because LHJ says so.

My third death is going to be because I have cavities in my teeth. I've never had one before, but I might as well have some since I'm already dying.

In other news, it was 102 degrees here today. I probably have heatstroke, too.


Anonymous said...

LOL - you have such a great way of putting things.

On a more serious note - are you ok? I mean, seeing stars isn't a good thing, unless you are lying out on a blanket somewhere looking up at the sky.

yikes - hope you are ok!

remember moments said...

sorry for the head injury -that sounds painful for sure. i would have punched my husband if he minimized my pain like that.

LHJ - good source for medical info. just kidding.

April said...

Holy better lock yourself up in a bubble. LOL

Maris said...

Oh my gosh! Don't worry about the head injury - it's so scary what happened to Natasha Richardson but so rare!!

Samsmama said...

Can't just pass away in your sleep, huh? Gotta die in 4 different ways. Show off.

Bayjb said...

Wow we're all screwed! Are you okay? Feeling okay? Don't leave the house tomorrow. Give the injuries the day off.

Heidi Renée said...

Thanks for the comments, everyone.

My head is fine. I'm just as abnormal as ever.

I'm still going to die from my cavities, though.

Cary said...

The cat will kill you before any of those other things can.

I want to die on the crapper like Elvis.

Anonymous said...

I am sorry to hear about your head. As far as the cavities.. I had a bunch as a child.. and hardly any as an adult. I hate getting anything major done at the dentist. As a matter of fact I have to go in for a cleaning and don't want too.

Just take it easy for a couple of days.. and tell Jacob that his sitting there just looking like nothing happened didn't help. And your hubby... just smack him around a little bit.. he might like it! LOL