Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Beware: Ugly Panties

Today I got out of the tub after shaving my legs*, reached into my underwear drawer in the dark, and pulled out the most hideous underwear I own.

They are a pair of pink briefs that I got for free from Victoria's Secret. In fact, the only reason I have them is because they were free and couldn't be returned.

These panties (we're going to call them that because that is what they are) are so heinous that they don't look particularly flattering even on the lovely Selita Ebanks. Luckily for her, she has someone to airbrush out the muffin top they undoubtedly give her. The elastic waistband on these panties is so tight that it would give Keira Knightley a muffin top. Yes, they are that bad.

What you can't see in the picture is that everything gets worse in the back. These panties have DIAPER BUTT.

You know that extra room left in babies' diapers to accommodate whatever might come out back there? The poop pocket? THESE PANTIES HAVE THAT.

Perhaps that is why the description doesn't have a back view.

Don't get me wrong. I have a fat ass. It's not a Serena Williams badonk-a-donk (as seen here), but it's fat. Yet I can't even fill these out. The waist digs in like a chastity belt, but the butt is too big. Whose waist and ass are these panties cut for, Jennifer Lopez?

Ladies, save your money. Don't buy these baggy-ass panties.

Rant over.


* There is an excellent reason for doing this--that I will divulge at a later date--but alas, it does not involve Jordan Knight or Donnie Wahlberg. Sorry.

9 comments:

Samsmama said...

You have painted an absolutely lovely picture of those panties. In fact, I'm imagining "Oops, I crapped my pants".

So...shaving your legs? Hmmm...what's up, buttercup? :)

Samsmama said...

Funny story---the "Mary" that left a comment on horrible license plates? Me. :)

April said...

Those sound like DEAD-SEXY panties. For real.

Heidi Renée said...

The internets are shrinking!

Bayjb said...

Yeah I have some old VS uggo underwear. I just fold the waist down a bit so I feel slightly sexier than they will allow me.

ALF said...

I have some underwear like that. I don't understand them. But I haven't thrown them out. What does that say about me?

HorribleLicensePlates said...

VS panties always have the butt sag on me. And sometimes I think to myself, I am kinda glad my ass isn't this large.

remember moments said...

Thank you for the warning!! I saw those last weekend @ the store - they are scary looking!!

Cary said...

They almost look like my boxer-briefs. Are you sure you didn't get them from the men's section?